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Lo and behold, Modern Horizons 3 delivered exactly what I was hoping for in Phlage, Titan of Fire's Fury

Smugglers Copter is obviously a very famous card in Magic history, but also just the flavor of Smugglers Copter being, in the original set, for a pair of sky pirates

But even without ever using that ability, this is like a two-mana Scroll Thief, but instead of drawing just one card, it draws cards equal to its power

While some versionssome versions of the archetype can be notorious for dragging games on without assembling any win conditions, there are a lot of ways to finish the game either with a big board of creaturesbig board of creatures or with a combo using cards like Altar of the BroodAltar of the Brood